Slide Rule

Somehow, somehow we find ourselves in the chair again as adults. Voluntarily! I’d like to think of myself as tolerant, at least a bit, when it comes to pain. In my view, maintaining focus in situations of extreme tissue damage pays off better than screaming the shrill wail of death at least ninety-nine percent of the time. Yet without fail, the mere sight of these instruments of torture induces immediate, unbridled panic.

This is not the first time you’ve heard this. Without doubt millions have described this experience, the mildest variation a horrifying, nightmare-inducing beast. It is my firm belief that every single human who has ever been to the dentist will tell you with confidence that they hate it. Hate it. Fiercely.

With this in mind, why choose this profession? Even if one were somehow unaware of this wide-spread fear (I can’t fathom a situation where this could possibly be, still) it is undoubtedly the very first piece of business addressed in dental school. So why choose it? The only logical conclusion: Dentists enjoy torture. Monsters among us who’s very survival is contingent on the pain and suffering of others. Its predecessors forged in the heat of the inquisition, this is the last bastion of live-patient slice and dissect methodology (short of surgery, the dark art of organ theft) clearly kept alive only by the sheer will of the army of demons that wield it, and the absurd illusion that it’s related in some convoluted way to oral hygiene (likely a cover to maintain its standing legality). I envision the possibility of ending this reign of terror squashed by the all-consuming fear of its wrath, the masters of this dark and deadly skill a force to be reckoned with. Perhaps rather than face this evil, those who would oppose it push it out of their minds thinking “maybe they’ll go drill someone else’s face.” I just hope it can’t smell tooth decay…

I have a cavity.