Slide Rule

Weekends can be a real chore for me. Often I find myself burdened not only by housework that has built up over the week, but scrambling to fill the hours with enough enjoyment that when I return to work on monday, I can feel accomplished with my liesure. I’m not alone in this, my girlfriend shares with me this terrible burden, so in collaboration, it was decided among us that we should check out a matinée. With haste, she and I had a look at what was playing.

I didn’t notice at first the deja vu that occured, or its cause, but it was certainly there. Poring over the list of features & showtimes, my blind eyes saw simply a handful of decent looking movies I was interested in seeing. Appealing they were, but it took me a moment to discover why. Upon careful examination, each title that drew me in faded, a familiar text taking its place. ‘In Bruges’ became ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ (the catalyst for this realization, as the blurb’s author had mistakenly cited the reference), Then came Doomsday (Resident Evil), Jumper (The Matrix, sans plot.), and Juno (Little Miss Sunshine). Without fail, the very cause for the enjoyment I had experienced in movies past had been identified, replicated and applied in a cleverly disguised “new” theme, carefully preserving its original formula.

No doubt my observations are ignorant by comparison to the true source of these tales. Those whose experience (age) outweighs mine exponentially will surely correct me by citing creations outdating my lifespan by years at the least. Still, it amuses me to know with the very little information I currently possess, I will enjoy these movies, having enjoyed so thoroughly their most recent predecessors. I will, however, note a word of caution; that history has shown us that stories deteriorate in quality with too-frequent retelling. This fact appears to remain prevalent in today’s society. I’ll offer the authors of the titles I’ve yet seen some credit by saying their efforts to conceal the source of their “inspiration” appear at least partially successful. Thus far.

We chose Doomsday. I’ll be fair, this may have been a poor choice to base such commentary on, however of the choices available it was decided (by way of unfortunate coincidence) that this was the most demanding (other than Jumper) of a massive screen & thundering audio. And in all honesty – SUV navigable plot holes, poor camera work with action scenes, and obvious, impossible stunts aside – it was a fulfilling experience. Satisfying, you might say. It was not unpleasant. Still, widespread virus with no cure + hot young heroine + hundreds of flesh-eating zombies mutants = …? Which movie was this again? I could swear…

I expect In Bruges and Juno to live up to their predecessors, though I’m hoping Jumper (and soon, Wanted) will show some form of impressive innovation. I’m also looking forward to seeing Vantage Point. Not for the story (I’ve heard it was terrible) but for the concept. I think this may be a powerful force in cinema’s future, though that concept appears to be in the early stages of its infancy at current. In closing, may I say that Horton Hears a Who looks absolutely incredible, and you should all go and check it out right away. Happy St. Patty’s day.

Somehow, somehow we find ourselves in the chair again as adults. Voluntarily! I’d like to think of myself as tolerant, at least a bit, when it comes to pain. In my view, maintaining focus in situations of extreme tissue damage pays off better than screaming the shrill wail of death at least ninety-nine percent of the time. Yet without fail, the mere sight of these instruments of torture induces immediate, unbridled panic.

This is not the first time you’ve heard this. Without doubt millions have described this experience, the mildest variation a horrifying, nightmare-inducing beast. It is my firm belief that every single human who has ever been to the dentist will tell you with confidence that they hate it. Hate it. Fiercely.

With this in mind, why choose this profession? Even if one were somehow unaware of this wide-spread fear (I can’t fathom a situation where this could possibly be, still) it is undoubtedly the very first piece of business addressed in dental school. So why choose it? The only logical conclusion: Dentists enjoy torture. Monsters among us who’s very survival is contingent on the pain and suffering of others. Its predecessors forged in the heat of the inquisition, this is the last bastion of live-patient slice and dissect methodology (short of surgery, the dark art of organ theft) clearly kept alive only by the sheer will of the army of demons that wield it, and the absurd illusion that it’s related in some convoluted way to oral hygiene (likely a cover to maintain its standing legality). I envision the possibility of ending this reign of terror squashed by the all-consuming fear of its wrath, the masters of this dark and deadly skill a force to be reckoned with. Perhaps rather than face this evil, those who would oppose it push it out of their minds thinking “maybe they’ll go drill someone else’s face.” I just hope it can’t smell tooth decay…

I have a cavity.

Items of note – apparently today is the primaries. For most of you, I imagine you’ve been very aware of this for some time now, having long since received your absentee ballot, scribbled in your selection, and mailed it off without a second thought. For me, I regret that had I not noticed the envelope out of the corner of my eye last night and allowed curiosity to seek some kind of due date, I would have likely missed the event entirely.

If I had some idea that the contents required so little involvement, I might have dealt with the situation much sooner. Unfortunately, having dealt with a few of these things in the past, I’ve developed a strong aversive reaction to them. Procrastination is an immediate response on such a level that within moments without visual contact with this item, no remnant of its presence lingers in my mind.

It’s not that I dislike voting. On the contrary, I quite enjoy the fantasy that this magical slip of paper will solve all the world’s problems. The difficulty for me is in the astronomical mind-bending mathematics that produce such a result. Assuming all options are colossal lies – and so far as I’m concerned, this is undeniably so – which are the least damaging, and make what implications? Massive research & process is required to produce an acceptable result for even the smallest of choices. I should say, all this is required to produce one ballot for one election that speaks to my specific desires for its outcome.

Factoring in the significance of a single ballot… it’s easy to see why one might so despise such a task. Naturally, I soon discovered it was only the primaries. The research I require for this event has been complete (to a satisfactory extent) for some time now, so the selection was easy. A hasty run in with the postal receptacle, and my work was done.

Happy primary elections day everyone. GO VOTE!